How We Are All Responding to Terrorist Alerts

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A bit cross.” The English have not been “A bit cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed off” to “Let’s get the bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout loudly and excitedly” to “Elaborate military posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective combat operations” and “Change sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful arrogance” to “Dress in uniform and sing marching songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a neighbor” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries mate” to “She’ll be alright, mate.” Three more escalation levels remain: “Crikey mate!” “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend mate” and “The barbie is cancelled mate.”

Finally Canada is at “That’s not nice and please stop” threat level, and has passed a bill in the House of Commons to never raise the level any higher so not to offend the terrorists.

PS: Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

Many thanks to the BBC and John Cleese


News: I am actually on vacation and enjoying three weeks of “battery re-charge”

The store is in the capable hands of the senior elves, who will ensure that there is either a favorite arhchived piece from me, or a guest post from the best minds in the sales space. Oh, and do look out for three special posts from me on Dec 30th/31st and Jan 1st.

If you are celebrating Christmas, I hope you have a wonderful festive break.

I will be back in the saddle on Tuesday January 15th – JF

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